I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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