but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize