She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Randomize
