Your face is a jimmy john
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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