is your mom at the bar?
You can't special order awesome
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
