I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Mom said you looked used
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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