Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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