you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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