yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
