false alarm. still invincible.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
