When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
