So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
