last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
