At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
