I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize