Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
