This is not my ceiling
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
