Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
