Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
