How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
