quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
