gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize