just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
