i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
