I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
