Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
