If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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