My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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