you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Floor bacon is actually really good
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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