she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
