Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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