Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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