I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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