If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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