My hand turned me down
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
