Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He has the fingertips of a God
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