I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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