he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize