matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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