Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
