I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
