Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
