happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
