'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
