when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
