my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
