last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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