So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
