there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize