My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
