hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize