I faked an abortion last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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