Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
