I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
