I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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