I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
