dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
