Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
