I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
