my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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