i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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