Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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