Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
