my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
