I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize