Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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